THE WORLD—Ready for the moment when they will rise up as one and fight to free themselves from tyranny, the world’s persecuted, exploited masses confirmed Monday they were only waiting for the right hot guy to emerge and lead them in revolution. “For too long we have been kept down, but no more: We are prepared to overthrow our oppressors just as soon as the mantle of liberator is taken up by the perfect man, who should be tall, well-built, and totally sexy,” said a representative speaking on behalf of the world’s poor, hungry, imprisoned, and enslaved, all of whom agreed they would stand up, throw off their shackles, and revolt when a broad-shouldered and thrillingly attractive leader came along and told them it was time. “The one thing that can unite us is a guy who has thick, gorgeous hair that is long but not too long and who has the ripped torso needed to look good without a shirt. In fact, this leader should never wear a shirt. Then, and only then—with a leader who knows it would be a shame to cover up a hot body like that—will the fundamental inequalities of our global society will finally be dismantled.” The masses went on to state that if the hot guy could also be a straight white guy most of them would be a lot more comfortable with that.

link: https://www.theonion.com/oppressed-exploited-masses-await-right-hot-guy-to-lead-1851015923