You can tell this is from The Onion, because their sick relationship probably never soured.

I’ve got about a thousand of those bad boys on the right! Mint condition, although they’ve been unboxed.

I consider myself well-coordinated, but I’ve had no such luck with couscous. Especially when transferring from the pot to another container. It decides to stick together, then randomly makes an avalanche as I’m scooping, creating a mess of grains from the countertop to the floor.

Yup! That happens every time with croissants.

Oh wow, a gunshot sound effect, so cool 🙄

edit: adding that the gimmick of old people doing rap for shock value is overused.

How is that better than working from home that half day?

Their point was that working onsite half a day is shit. No one likes commuting to work.

this would unironically make me feel like I succeeded

Reminded me of this classic Onion bit

Fair point. My guess would be they might like a trade-off of 1 centipede for dozens or hundreds of spiders. But I don’t mess with the house spiders either, they’re cool too.

I did need to help it out, you were right, thank you.

It’s a house centipede. They’re good guys, especially if you don’t like spiders.

I fully intend on letting this fella continue to live on inside the house. I hear they live for years, and take care of little critters.

I’m going to guess because of the gun deaths epidemic.

Do they know how to properly pluralize proper nouns?

Aye yes, a man of class and of culture

Lol I’d love to see them try to duct tape those to a board.

Spent too long trying to figure out what a rooftop “SMT” unit is. I think they meant smt, short for “something”? 🤦‍♂️Wen smt in’t don up 2 std, I jst tap it to increes erone’s anxty

Slipknot - Surfacing

Nice! Looks like you answered a “million+ year” conundrum within 1 hour.