:( I’ve been in a similar situation, but I’ve never called; I have friends that I can talk to openly about this stuff, and not freak them out or have them be judgemental. I don’t know you, but I hope you are doing better, and can persevere. Life can be awful, brutal. Being alone in a time of need is… I can’t even think of a word with enough emphasis.
If you want, you can send me a message. Might not be helpful, but maybe it will. Just say hi, if you want. You aren’t alone. :)
I’ve said this elsewhere in the thread, but I have had suicidal ideation… ‘events’ as well, never called though. If you want someone to talk to (anyone else, too! yes, that means you, hi!), reach out and message me. I know this shit all too well and I don’t mind in the slightest, talking to someone who needs - or just wants - to communicate with someone who ‘gets it’.
No pressure, I just want to help others like myself.